"Welcome to Ye House Of Pyrates tavern. 'Tis a lon' time since I've been tellin 'un of m' pyrate tales 'ere, but I's got 'un fer today's special occasion. So listen ta m' tale, mateys and be sure ta come to th' party tonight! But enough babblin', le's get straight to th' point..."

'Twas off th' coast of th' Cayman Islands. We've lost few good man durin' a vicious storm last night an' 'un of th' sails was torn to pieces by th' mad wind. We were lucky we didn'a bump onto any of them bleedin' reefs, as we'd be deaders fer sure. So wounded 'Virgin Rose' slowly sailed towards Cayman Islands, where we wanted ta git some repairs done to our fine brig. Bein' good sod I am I went to th' bridge to see if'n e'erythin' is all right wit' m' pretty Cap'n Mandy.She was standin' by a chart an' makin' some kinda navigation stuff. I never been good wit' these silliness so I's always left navigation to m' first mate when I wus cap'n m'self. Now that I was but a first mate on Mandy's ship, this job should fall on me, but cap'n was merciful enuff not ta torture me wit' drawin' lines on th' maps an' observin' th' stinkin' stars."G'mornin', Mandy!" said I upon enterin' th' bridge."Mornin' Crash!" said Mandy wit'out lookin'."Ya know where we be?" I asked 'er tryin' ta gaze upon th' outstretched chart."I'm just tryin' to make it out" said Mandy wit' a shrug. "This sure was a unforgettable night.""Really?" said I proudly. Well, it was unforgettable indeed. I was happy Mandy thought th' same."I'm talkin' 'bout th' storm, ye whale turd!" said Mandy tryin' to keep a straight face."Oh" th' sound of disappointment was obvious in m' voice.Mandy bursted into laughter "Do ya ever think of something else than these things, Crash?""Yeah" replied I after givin' it a nice moment of thoughts. "I's thinkin' 'bout rum sometimes!" Th' port of th' Cayman Islands seemed quite... deserted, yes, that's th' word. It was quiet like ne'er b'fer. There was quite a few ships berthed at th' harbour, but no livin' soul was within th' eyesight. This made me feel somewhat uncomfortable. I had a feelin' somethin' bad 'appened to this town, once bursting with activity, now quiet an' deserted."I reckon 'tis a trap, cap'n" said I tryin' in vain to make a sly face."Yes, somethin' is definitely wrong 'ere" said Mandy with narrowed eyes."Me could go fer a lil' reconnaissance, Mandy" proposed I checkin' if'n m' trusty sabre is still as sharp as always."Okay, but don't play no goddamned hero, got it?" said Mandy. "If'n ye gets killed, I'll strangle ye wit' my own hands!" Me an' a group of four of our best marines walked across th' docks. Still th' place was awfully quiet, givin' th' whole city th' air of ghost-town."Oi, Crash!" shouted 'un of th' marines. "Mebbe 'twas smallpox or sumthin'...""Nay. There's no smell o' rottin' carcasses, right?"We continued our way towards th' centre of th' town, carefully lookin' 'round. We 'xpected some kinda ambush, but who would want to attack us in a friendly pyrate port? Cayman Islands was always a safe haven fer all th' buccaneers practicin' our dark craft. Anyway without noticin' any'un we got to th' middle of th' town square. We stood there fer a while, lookin' 'round in confusion."I hear voices, sir!" reported a marine, Reynolds was 'is name."I don't hear no bleedin' voices!" I replied wit' anger but came to th' place Reynolds was standin' in."They're comin' from this tavern" said Reynolds.Indeed there were voices comin' from th' low an' ugly buildin' servin' as a tavern 'ere, but 'twas beyond reckonin' how 'tis possible to 'ave people in tavern who 'ud b'have so quiet."Let's check it out, mateys!" ordered I an' headed towards th' door. "Yes, Crash, me tells ye" said ol' Jonas Hayes. He was drunk like a whore on Christmas Eve, but still was th' only person I could understand at all. "Me tells ye, all tha wimmin are gone."He was babblin' this nonsense since half an hour. I considered slappin' 'im few times to sober th' git up a bit, but decided not to."Tell me 'gain, Hayes!" inquired I. Hayes was m' ol' shipmate. He wus servin' on my ol' 'Factol Skall' frigate as a first mate fer some time, so I knew th' scurvy bugger."A man came an' took all th' whores wit' im!" Hayes spat on th' floor wit' anger."How could 'e take all th' wenches away?" I asked fer 'bout tenth time."Actually, they kinda followed 'im on their own. Oh, Crash, m' ol' friend, life's sh!t wit'out 'em!" said Jonas.Well I could b'lieve this. Th' town's been quiet, 'coz all th' wimmin were gone an' men were too drunk to even raise their voices."Where did th' man go?" asked I."Dunno" replied drunk Hayes. "I reckon 'twas to th' middle of th' island.""Take care, buddy!" shouted I an' patted 'im on th' back. Hayes fell heavily to th' floor an' immediately fell asleep. 'Is loud snorin' sounded inside as we were leavin' th' tavern. As we entered th' gov'nor's mansion located on th' far side of th' island, we saw 'bout two or three hundred of wenches of various age an'.... weight standin' in a queue. 'Twas so amazin' sight that we didn'a know wot was goin' on 'ere. Th' wimmin were fightin' among themselves wit' fingernails an' teeth. They behaved as if'n some incredible treasure was waitin' fer 'em in th' next room."Shut up e'erybuddy!" shouted I at th' top of m' lungs. "Wot's goin' on 'ere?""We're waiting to get an application!" heard I in response."Application?" wandered I. "What application?"Then th door to th' next room opened an' a nice-lookin' silicone beauty entered th' room."Another candidate please!" she announced an' went inside again."Shiver me timberssss!" I gasped in surprise. "Did ya see it, mateys? 'Twas a Morganette!"All became clear at that moment. 'Twas ol' Henry Morgan who came to th' port an' took all th' wimmin away. Th' lure of 'is platinum credit card was irresistible fer all th' woman kind. Now all these poor an' gully wimmin wanted to become Morganettes themselves an' have th' access to Henry's millions."'Tis been years since I talked to his thievin' scum last time" said I. "I's goin' inside" "Crash!" cried Henry. "I don't b'lieve m' own eyes."Nice ta see ye, Menry, I mean Henry. What brings ye 'ere?""Nothin' important really. Jus' recruitin' more Morganettes.""What 'appened to th' last 'uns?" I asked."I don't know, really. I kinda lost 'em in some port""What were ye doin' lately, mate?" I asked pourin' m'self some of Henry's rum to a glass."Nuthin' special. Jus' some ordinary pillagin', rapin' an' burnin'" replied modest Henry. As fer a pyrate of 'is reputation Morgan was unusually modest, kind an' 'e hated boastin' "Tell me, Crash, wot is it I's hearin' 'bout ye an' Mandy?"I blushed an' lowered m' eyes."I....I..... I...." I stuttered. "Howd'ya know, ye ol' scoundrel?""People are talkin'. Y'know, that famous Cap'n Crash fell fer a pyrate wench an' no other than Mandy 'erself!" laughed th' ol' pyrate."Shut up! They don't know nothin'!" I cut back wit' anger. How could news 'bout m' affection to this pyrate girl spread so quickly? - I wandered quietly.Then alluva sudden th' door opened an' Cap'n Mandy entered th' room."Mandy!" cried Henry an' gave 'er a big, big hug an' kissed 'er on th' forehead.As I wus drawin' m' sabre ta cut th' soddin' bastid in half, Mandy replied laughin':"Hi daddy! Long time no see!"Well, I guess I must'va fainted then. I awakened on th' floor. Henry was pourin' a rum on m' face from a big jug. I shook m' head an' sat up."Sorry 'bout that" mumbled I. "I's hearin' things.""What things?" asked Mandy."Nevermind" I replied quickly."Wait 'ere fer a moment, Crash, while daddy brings some water"I guess I must'va fainted 'gain. I awakened on th' floor again wit' a strange feelin' of deja vu. Henry was pourin' cold water on m' wet head. I sat up an' began to speak."Mandy, yer you 'is... 'is.... are ye...""Daughter!" finished Mandy an' smiled."Wot??? 'Tis impossible! Impossible! I don't b'lieve this!" shouted I."Didn'a ye ever noticed th' similarity?" asked puzzled Morgan. Well, lookin' at Mandy an' 'Enry I could only thank God that she inherited th' beauty after her mother."Didn'a ye notice m' name's Morgan too?" said Mandy. "I thought ye knows""Aye. Mandy Morgan! How could I not see?" said I holdin' m' head. "Henry!" shouted I. "Does it mean I 'ave ta call ye 'daddy' now?" Well, 'tis th' end of this story. Ye can imagine how terrible blow it was to me. But wait a minute... After ol' Henry kicks tha bucket, 'twill be Mandy who gets all those billions!!! Harrrrrr! Haaarrrr! Haarrrrr! We's gonna be rich!

 

"Nice ta see ye 'gain, ye filthy scum! Ye House Of Pyrates tavern always welcomes ye an' yer kin. 'Tis a tavern dedicated 'specially fer th' dirty bastids, cutthroats an' murderers, so feel yerself at 'ome, mateys. Ol' Cap'n Crash 'as a brand new tale fer ye ta hear. So git yerself somethin' really 'ard, sit down an' shut yer yarkin' traps. I's gonna tell m' latest story..."

'Twas off tha coast of th' Cayman Islands. We were sailin' west, towards th' coast of th' infamous Spanish Main. 'Twas a long dispute if'n we shall sail west or east, but since Cap'n Mandy insisted on west, I couldn'a argue. There were almost no town to pillage on th' east, but Mandy said there are shipping routes aplenty goin' from th' Gulf Of Mexico to Panama an' Cartagena. I b'lieved in Mandy's word wit'out 'esitation, as she's proven many times how bloody sharp 'er mind be.'Virgin Rose' steadily sailed westward direction. Th' burnin' sun's already began ta set. I wus on th' deck, checkin' th' weather an' distributin' th' dooties to th' sailors when suddenly a cry from th' crow's nest sounded over our scurvy 'eads."Sail ho!" cried th' 'xcited lookout.I ran to th' railin' an' opened th' spyglass. I watched th' ship pointed by th' lookout fer a while, tryin' ta figure out wot were we up to an' ta see their colours. 'Twas too far though, so I told th' helmsman to set th' course on the sail an' went to th' bridge."Mandy! We've got a sail on th' starboard!" said I in 'xcitement."Great! We're on no man's waters now, so we can kill 'em off without too much noise!" Mandy smiled one of these famous smiles o' hers. I jus' couldn'a resist, but kiss 'er temptin' full lips. Those smiles always turned me on and no mistake, harrrr!!!"Stop it, Crash!" said Mandy laughin'. "We've got a job to do! Git yer pox-ridden butt on th' deck an' distribute th' weapons!""Aye, aye, cap'n!" said I an' left. 'Twas jus' a question of few minutes b'fer th' boys stood fully armed an' ready fer action. I took th' spyglass 'gain an' watched our victims. They set a course on us as well. Prob'ly mistook us wit' somebuddy else. Very good, thought I. They spare us few tirin' 'ours o' chasin'. Then I saw th' ship more closely and I must admit I gasped in surprise. 'Twas a frigate, really 'andsome frigate. It 'ad stainless, green painted high sides incrusted wit' golden lines an' patterns. A statue o' a naked woman, wit' all th' details, decorated th' frig's bow. Th' sails also looked strange, as if'n they were painted. Th' bastid that was th' cap'n o' that boat surely must'va been a real rich bugger. I tried ta git a look on th' curd's flag, but th' wind wus blowin' at a bad angle an' I couldn'a see it. I sat down on a low wooden bench, tryin' to gather up m' thoughts. 'Twas really strange ta see such a ship unguarded. Could it be some kinda trap or whut? Then I saw Cap'n Mandy enterin' th' deck in her short green dress I's so fond of.She only glanced at th' incomin' enemy an' smiled merrily."Daddy!" she shouted wit' glee. She turned to me "Crash, it's Henry!""This ship is Henry's boat?" I asked in disbelief. Billionaire pyrate? I started to think maybe it was true after all. "Wot are we gonna do?""Wait 'till he comes an' see what 'appens!" said Mandy and smiled. We did as she said.Famous Henry Morgan indeed sailed closer, lowered th' sails an' launched a rowboat. Soon later we heard a cry from down there:"Permission to come aboard!""Granted!" said Mandy and we watched as 'Enry Morgan an' is personal guard were lifted up. 'Twas not surprisin' that th' entire guard comprised of females. Really appealin' females. Our boys 'ad hard time forcin' themselves to look at th' eyes of these wenches. 'Ts must be said Morganettes' fame preceded 'em, jus' like Morgan's.When th' Morganettes were already on th' deck we all watched as Henry was lifted up on th' ropes. After all 'twasn't a common sight ta see th' most 'andsome pyrate, th' most fashionable an' best dressed corsair, most famous bastid, richest man in th' world, bravest buccaneer, most darin', bold an' fearless of all thieves, deadliest sword master, unbeatable cap'n, invincible foe, incredibly wise, smart an' cunnin' freebooter, legendary lover, th' most humble an' modest seaman east of Vera Cruz etc etc etc, danglin' from th' ropes in th' most disgraceful way."Whatcha starin' at, ye stinkin' whoresons?!" shouted he starin' at us coldly. Yep, 'twas none other but 'Enry 'Organ 'imself. "Put me down, ye grime-eatin', lily-livered farts!"Our boys released th' ropes immediately an' Morgan fell on th' wooden deck wit' a noise of an avalanche. T' be 'onest I didn'a see no stinkin' avalanche in my whole accursed life, but I reckons 'tis jus' th' same sound that Morgan's made.I was 'bout to burst into tremendous laughter, when I saw Mandy's worried face."What are ye idiots doin'!" she cried at th' man who released th' rope wit' anger."Yeah, wot are ya idiots doin'!" repeated I an' smashed th' git across th' face. Mandy ran to 'Enry, who wus still lyin' still."Daddy, ye all right?" she asked, liftin' 'is 'ead carefully. A touch o' jealousy sounded in m' soul, sendin' me into a ragin' anger. I leaned above th' scurvy pyrate."He's gonna be alright" said I an' slapped 'im few times on th' cheeks.Mandy struck my wit' 'er elbow in anger, but Morgan opened 'is eyes at last."Ye see! 'Tworked!" mumbled I, tryin' ta catch m' breath after Mandy's blow. "Wot?!?!?! A joint action???" cried I disbelief. 'Twere jus' 'bout two hours o' talkin' by th' supper table an' Mandy already fell fer 'Enry evil schemes."Yea, what's wron' with that?" asked Mandy."Shut yer trap, ye filthy horse-lovin' caveman! Ye ain't know nuthin'!" yelled Morgan at me. "Mandy, tell yer cabin-boy to keep quiet while we's talkin'!" he said politely to 'er daughter."I ain't no cabin boy! Call me that 'gain an' I'll nick ye!" I wus foamin' angry."Oh, guys, please!" Mandy put 'er cute 'ands to 'er pretty head. "I's got enuff o' ye two.""See? Git out!" said Morgan to me."No way, ye yellow-bellied freak! I's first mate an' I's gonna stay right 'ere, ye smelly deck-scrapin', rotten-toothed bastid!" replied I."Howd'ya call me, ye illiterate moron?" Morgan gritted 'is teeth."SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Mandy so loud that I thought m' poor ears are gonna fall off. "I've made up m' mind. I'll say together with my dad and split th' loot in half after the voyage's over. Don't say a friggin' word!" she said to me as I was about to protest. She was really mad. I knew better than to cross 'er way now. I gritted m' teeth an' clenched m' teeth, but 'ad ta lower me head an' wait 'till m' rage calms down. "But Mandy, listen to me!" whispered I. 'Twas already late night, and' th' light in th' cabin wus also put down."No." said Mandy stubbornly."But Morgan wronged us both before. Him an' Pikey an' Fly, they ripped us off. He's gonna do it 'gain!""Shut up an' go t' sleep!" said Mandy wit' a yawn. "Ye worry too much.""I's got bad feelin's..." said I an' closed m' eyes t' sleep. Two grim days later we were still wit'out a prey. I was in a grave mood all th' time an' avoided both Mandy an' Henry, keepin' company to our stock o' rum bottles instead. I didn'a e'en turn up on dinners an' other meals. I was sittin' in th' mess wit' an empty glass b'fer me when I 'eard steps b'hind me. I knew 'twas Mandy, all th' seamen were far too clumsy to make such delicate sounds as they moved. I got up an' turned to th' exit."Crash, wait!" said Mandy quietly.I stopped in m' place tryin' to figure out wot was she about to do."Crash, don't be angry at me. He's my dad an' I trust 'im. It 'as nothin' to do wit' me an' ye" she said. Her tone was almost... apologisin', I'd say. I turned to her."Ye know, Mandy, he'll slit our throats th' moment we look th' other way.""Oh, ye don't know 'im. I wish ye two could get along better.""We'll see" said I an' took 'er 'and. "Let's go watch th' sunset." In th' mornin' th' next day I was brutally awakened by Mandy who, already dressed, was shakin' me madly to awaken me."Crash, git dressed! Daddy found a Spanish galleon wit' no escort! Be on deck in five minutes!" said she an' went to th' deck.I did as she ordered an' turned up on th' deck. Indeed there was a huge galleon sailin' to th' north o full sails. I reckon they knew or intentions as they seemed to be in a real hurry. However th' way their hull was submerged told me there was a mountain o' gold in their hold. A huge smile appeared on m' battle-scarred face."We're gonna blast 'em wit' grapeshot once or twice, then close pickin' 'em off wit' muskets and shortly after we board 'em an' take th' ship" announced Mandy. I agreed wit' 'er. There was too much risk of sinkin' 'em if'n we put a regular sea battle wit' 'em, besides th' huge galleon could easily outgun both us an' Morgan. There was only 'un problem to this plan."Mandy, but I reckons there's 'bout three hundred Spaniards on board. We don't have enuff marines" said I."Ye forget 'bout Henry's henchmen" smiled Mandy. "We'll board 'em from th' starboard, dad'll take 'em from th' portside. We'll easily cut 'eir forces in 'alf!""We'll slaughter 'em to th' last man!" said I wit' delight. An hour later we started to close to th' runnin' Spaniards. Henry was approachin' 'em from th' north, while we did th' same from th' south. Th' galleon was so heavily encumbered that 'twas almost non-manoeuvrin'. Wit'out too many problems we got into a shootin' range, turned 'bout an' gave 'em taste some lead wit' out portside guns. Henry did th' same from th' far side of th' battlefield. Th' Spanish ship shivered in th' water as our shots hit it violently. Th' cries of th' wounded sounded above th' whizzin' wind."Heave around!" commanded I. "Shoot at th' sails, mateys!"When Mandy's brig turned around and fired its starboard broadside, I noticed wit' satisfaction th' small figures of enemy sailors fallin' down from th' masts an' yardarms. Wastin' nay more time, we set th' crash course on th' Spaniards an' prepared our marines to shoot a deadly volley as soon as we got in range. Henry was approachin' from th' other side too. His elegant frigate looked almost too delicate fer a battle, but 'twasn't m' business after all.Cannonballs whizzed past our heads wit' a terrifyin' noise. I instinctively ducked to th' deck, coverin' Mandy as well. 'Un of 'em hit us in th' middeck, sendin' dead bodies all 'round. Cries of pain filled th' air. We forgot 'bout their damn chaser guns! On a ship that big th' chasers were as big as our main cannons! This mistake costed us th' life of 6 sturdy marines who were literally torn to pieces by th' enemy cannonball.Within seconds we were upon them. A grey cloud of smoke covered th' entire deck as our boys greeted th' Spaniards wit' a loud staccato of musket fire. There wasn't e'en time to reload as th' hulls of both ships crashed together wit' a crack. Grapplin' hooks fell on th' enemy deck immediately an' th' pyrates began to pour onto th' Spanish galleon. I grabbed m' trusty sabre an' went after our boys after tellin' Mandy to stay below th' deck. She wasn't s'posed to fight in close-quarter combat.Wit' a mad war cry I hacked th' first opponent across th' back of 'is neck, sendin' drops of blood all 'round. I 'ad barely th' time to retrieve m' blade when 'nuther Spaniard appeared b'fer me. I easily dodged 'is crude thrust an' impaled 'im on m' sabre. Th' man died wit' a gurglin' sound. Jus' next to me 'un of our marines fell b'fer a Spanish officer's rapier. I struck at 'im madly, but th' git saw me an' jumped backwards. 'Is rapier whizzed 'cross th' air cuttin' me on th' left thigh. I didn'a e'en glance at th' wound, I felt 'tis jus a scratch. I concentrated on m' enemy. I faked a slash from th' bottom an' in th' last moment twisted th' sabre cuttin' im in th' side. Th' bugger managed to block me, but not b'fer a red stain appeared on 'is white shirt. I quickly threw m'self forward, kickin' 'im at th' shin an' strikin' wit' th' elbow to th' face at th' same moment. I guess he didn'a 'xpect this as I smashed 'im wit'out resistance. As he fell down, I swiftly finished 'im off wit' m' blade an' glanced 'round.I noticed only an immense barrel of a musket some 10 feet way or so pointin' right at m' 'ead. I prepared m'self fer a quick explanations I'd give to Saint Peter at th' final trial, but much t' my surprise, instead of red light of explosion, I saw th' musketeer bleedin' from th' mouth an' fallin' forward. There was a throwin' knife protrudin' from th' back of 'is neck. I glanced up an' saw 'Enry Morgan smilin' to me from th' opposite end of th' deck. I quickly saluted 'im an' went back to killin' them Spanish swabs.Th' battle wasn't good fer us, though. We were losin' many good boys, outnumbered by th' Spanish soldiers. They fought really fiercely, unlike common Spanish cowards. I realised these soldiers were not some green troops. They were veterans of many a battles an' were equal opponent to our murderous cutthroats. Soon we found ourselves pinned to th' main mast an' surrounded wit' enemies. Dodgin' a wild swing of axe I stepped back only to bump on some other pyrate's back."Watch it, son" 'Twas Morgan. "Ye'll ruin m' new shirt wit' yer dirty clothes." said he piercin' a Spaniard wit' 'is jewel-encrusted cutlass."Morgan, ye bilge rat!" I replied slashin' somebuddy's throat. "Outta me way!""We're in th' same sh!t, Crash!" shouted he over th' noise of th' battle. "Stop fightin' me!""Right!" said I blockin' cutlass blows of some Spanish git."Watch me back an' I'll watch yers!" said Morgan retrievin' 'is cutlass from his enemy's gut."Deal!" said I, choppin' off th' arm of some careless bugger.We moved across th' deck back to back, bringin' death wherever we appeared. I must admit Morgan knew 'is job. 'E knew some thrusts I didn'a e'en see b'fer. 'Is opponents either, judgin' from th' number of 'em that fell don b'fer th' famous cap'n. I tried no to be worse an' th' lack of such an ability I tried to patch wit' m' courage an' strength. We moved further into enemy lines, completely surrounded by them bloody Spaniards, but soon none of 'em seemed 'specially 'appy to attack us. We already knew their morale started to break."Git 'em!" cried 'Enry on th' top of 'is lungs. Th' pyrates knew wot ta do. They attacked wit' double fierceness, puttin' lives of many a sailors to an end. Th' fight was over technically. All we 'ad to do was to slash 'em across their backs as they were tryin' in vain to make their escape. We got to their musketeers who were jus' 'bout defenceless in melee combat an' our deadly strikes were cuttin' 'em off like weeds. Within few minutes th' remainin' buggers fell to their knees an' begged fer mercy.As we finished slaughterin' th' last of th' prisoners, we went to countin' th' losses. This was a hard battle, I must say. We lost 'bout 80 marines that day, 40 ours an' 40 Morgan's. Besides 4 sailors an' 3 gunners were killed when th' Spaniards opened fire on 'Virgin Rose'. Much to my relief Mandy was unscathed. I dunno wot 'ud I do if'n anything 'appened to 'er. M' own few cuts 'ud heal within 2 weeks fer sure.What did we get? Harrrrr!!! Ye'd ne'er guess. GOLD! Real gold bars. There was a lot of it. I reckon we could get 'bout 70 - 80 thousand pesos fer it! Not bad as fer a single raid, ain't it? Alright, let's call it a day, mateys, as m' throat's gone sore from all that babblin'. Barmaid! Brin' me somethin' hard! Me tells, ye, 'tis not all. There was a plenty o' adventures wit' ol' Henry. Someday mebbe I'll tell ye 'nother 'un. Oh, an' 'un more thin'. Don't ye fergit ta pay fer yer drinks b'fer ye leaves!!! 

"Well met 'gain ye dirty bastids!Since Cap'n Trinidad Jack's tavern be under attack from me, most o' th' patrons moved to m' own quiet Ye House Of Pyrates tavern. So I say 'tis a good time fer 'nuther 'un o' my stories, huh? So since yer already 'ere have a seat, git yerself a bottle or two an' 'ear me sea yarn..."

As ye may r'member from th' last tyme, me an' Mandy been sailin' together wit' this thief 'Enry 'Organ, blast 'is eyes. As I watched 'is big frigate sailin' side by side wit' our brig I wus tryin' ta make our wot was 'e 'bout. I wus almost sure Henry planned some kinda swindle 'gain an' b'lieve me or not I wus gonna stop 'im. This may've proved t' be a bit difficult, as Mandy firmly b'lieved in Morgan's good intentions.Suddenly struck by an idea I went to th' friggin' bridge."Hi Mandy" said I "Ye knows, I's thinkin' 'bout somethin'. Mebbe me should go an' check out 'Enry's frig. Jus' ta make sure th' treasure we got from th' accursed Spaniards was divided equally.""I reckon 'tis be no problem" replied Mandy busy with observin' th' charts spread o'er th' oak table."Good! I'll go tell 'Enry" I replied wit' a mischievous smile 'cross me face. I wus gonna git th' thievin' bugger, but good! Standin' on an unstable rowboat I cried up "Permission to come aboard!""Who's askin'?" I 'eard in reply."Stop these stupid games o' yers, Morgan!" I replied angrily. "It's me, Crash.""Whaddya want?" asked Morgan suspiciously."Mandy sent me to check somethin' up" said I."Olright, ye may come" 'Enry was obviously reluctant to say this.Anyways I made m' way on board an' m' salty eyes saw that th' exterior of Morgan's frig wus nothin' compared to th' luxury that was inside. E'erythin' wus so nice an' clean. An' wimmin all 'round. This be Morgan's Morganettes fer sure, thought I. I only knew few o' 'em visually, but t' be 'onest if'n ye knows 'un, it's as good as if'n ye knew 'em all. Morganettes be many, but are like a single person. They look th' same. They speak th' same, if'n they speak at all, they follow Morgan th' same an' do other things th' same way too.I paced th' deck tryin' ta peer m' curious eyes whene'er I could. Morgan was right on me backs, askin' questions o'er m' shoulder."Say, ye toothless, greasy drunkard, why did m' daughter sent ye?" asked 'e full o' suspicions."She wunted ta see if'n ye didn'a steal our gold yet" I replied as I examined th' interior of th' bridge."Wot!!! Are ye tryin' ta call me a thief?" asked Morgan wit' a menacin' scowl."Damn right, Morgan! Ye owe me that million, ye son of a Dutchman! Ye an' yer ol' pallie, Pikey!" cried I in rage."'Twas an 'onest fight! Ye lose a fair bet an' I 'ad nothin' to do 'bout this!" 'xplained Morgan avoididn' lookin' me into th' eyes."Yer lyin' ye stinkin' landlubber! Th' fight wus fixed. E'erybuddy knew that! Why did ye disappear alluva sudden after th' fight, huh?" I was really angry."Dooty called" said Morgan. "I 'ad a business ta do in 'nuther port" said he innocently."I's gonna git m' million back, ye know that!" I said threateningly an' proceeded to have a look at th' hold.Morgan quickly ran forward an' blocked me way down th' hatch."Ye cannae go down, Crash!" said he. "We're under reconstruction o' th' lower deck an' 'tis dangerous ta go inside!""I'll take that risk" I replied. Morgan was tryin' ta hide somethin'. I wus definitely goin' ta see wot was th' reason o' 'Enry's concern."Say, Crash, I've got a bottle o' m' finest rum on th' bridge" Morgan smiled artificially. "Let's go down fer a drink an' talk 'bout th' ol' tymes!""Nay, I's not thirsty" said I narrowin' m' eyes in suspicion."Okay, go inside then" said Morgan coldly. Somehow th' tone of 'is voice made me shiver. 'E was up ta somethin'. I quickly paced 'cross th' dark corridor, makin' me way to th' hold. Morgan was goin' b'hind me, 'is slow steps sounded loudly in th' still inside. Jus' as I suspected, ther ewus no recontructions t' be seen 'round. I turned to Morgan only ta see 'im starin' at me wit' hatred. There wus a murder in 'is eyes!"Git 'im!" 'e cried to some'un b'hind me.I quickly turned 'round an' drew m' blade 'xpectin ta see a hulkin' boatswain or somethin'. Instead I saw a woman in a Morganette outfit. She was heldin' a wicked knife in 'er 'and. I looked up ta see 'er face an' suddenly m' fear turned into a mad joy."Maggie!!!" cried I warmly. "Oh my.." I 'eard surprise in Maggie's voice. "Does I sees Crash or are m' eyes playin' wit' me?""Yea, 'tis me, Crash! Maggie, quite some time we didn'a see each other, right?""Correct! We sure got a lotta talk 'bout!" said Maggie wit' a smile.Morgan interrupted 'er quickly."Maggie, I told ye somethin'! 'Twas an orger, errrrr..... I mean order!" said angry cap'n."Oh shut yer trap, 'Enry! I be a volunteer Morganette at this time an' I do as I please!" said she winkin' at me. Sittin' wit' Maggie in 'er cabin, we talked fer 'ours."Say, I still didn'a ask ye how it 'appened yer a Morganette?" asked I wit' a puzzled look on m' face."'Tis sure a lon' story, Crash! See, I lose a bet to this scoundrel an' he took me ta be 'is 'Organette fer a week. Then it 'appened I 'ad ta stay 'un more week. But then I was free 'gain an' left fer m' own 'Jezabelle' frigate ta pillage an' plunder on me own. 'Twasn't a lon' tyme after when Morgan came fer th' first time ta beg me to return to 'im.""Yer pullin' me!" I interrupted 'er in disbelief."Nay, mate! It's all damn truth! 'E came on 'is knees, scowlin' an' cryin'! Ye see, I think I've shown 'im wot a real woman is an' th' poor bastid couldn'a stand 'is 'Organettes naymore!""Harrrrrr!!!" laughed I. ""Tis sure a nice story, Mags! But wot did ya do? Agreed?""Well, Morgan be not that bad. Ye'd see yerself if'n ye got ta know 'im better. I kinda like this life o' a Morganette, so I act as a freelance 'Organette at th' moment. But, say Crash ye won't tell naybuddy, will ye???" she asked menacingly."Oh sure I won't tell nayone!" lied I. Jus' on m' way back to 'Virgin Rose' I realised that b'cause of meetin' Maggie I forgot ta check out this bleedin' hold! But I sure will keep m' eyes on Morgan - promised I to m'self. So 'tis 'bout that fer t'day mateys. I reckon aye'll be seein' ye 'gain, since Trinidad's tavern be nothin' more than a smokin' pile o' rumbled down walls. 'Tis how Crash deals wit' competition! Haaarrrrrrr! Haaarrrr! Haaarrrrrrr!

"I's back ye parrot-spawned garlic breaths! An' I's got th' next part o' th' story fer ye ta 'ear. Lemme tell ye t' sit down a lil' bit an' git yerselves a mug o' ale or whute'er ye likes an' stay quiet, goddammit! I's tellin' a story an' ye listen. Understood? 
So lemme continue with th' friggin' tale..."

We still sailed wit' that blaggard Morgan on our side an' I wus unable to find me another 'xcuse ta sneak on board Henry's ship an' investigate it more closely. Wot's more, th' weather started t' turn bad an' fer th' next 2 days our poor 'Virgin Rose' wus constantly battered by a fierce rainstorms. At least th' wind wasn't partic'larly strong oe we'd find ourselves wrecked on these perilous waters full o' hidden reefs an' other dangers. Some drunkards claimed they saw real sirens on th' small islands that dotted th' area west o' Cayman Islands, but I didn'a b'lieve such a fairy tales. There be no sirens. Or't least me ne'er saw e'en 'un o' 'em, me tells ye.
After these two accursed rainy days I told ye 'bout we 'ad a really significant encounter out there. Shut up, I'll tell ye but be patient! In th' mornin' I got up an' went to th' deck ta see wot will th' weather be like. Much t' my surprise I ain't saw no sign o' 'Enry 'Organ in th' sightin' range. I wus almost sure this thievin' scum 'scaped durin' th' cover o' rain an' darkness wit' th' bigger part o' th' loot we go from this galleon few days back. I was angry like Dave E. Jones when 'e ran out o' th' rum. At least th' sky was clear, but it 'ad lil' meanin' fer us now. We 'ad ta git Morgan, but fast!
I went to Cap'n Mandy an' told 'er wot I saw. She was really astonished I hafta say. 'Er mouth was opened in surprise an' 'er eyes widened as she 'eard m' report. I guess she didn'a b'lieve me as she went up 'erself to check it all out. But there was no Morgan in sight an' we all knew whut did it mean.
"May 'e go ta 'eaven!" cursed I.
"Ye mean 'ell, I reckons" asked Mandy.
"Nay, I mean 'eaven" 'xplained I. "Ye see, fer such a bloody pyrate an' thief as yer daddy 'eaven will be th' worstest place 'e could e'er find 'imself in. No rum, no whores, no Morganettes, no gamblin', no killin, rapin' plunderin, burnin'. Nuthin!!! Jus' sittin' on a bleedin' holy grass an' watch them freakin' angels sing!" I shivered in disgust as I imagined such a silly place. Who would e'er want ta find 'emselves in 'eaven? - I wandered. 'Twaould be a punishment worse than 'bout anythin'
"I get yer point o' view" laughed Mandy. "Better burnin' oils, torture chambers, eternal flames an' all this stuff than a quiet place in 'eaven?"
"Correct!" I wus glad Mandy knew whut I meant. "At least 'ell sees some action an' I reckons 'tis more than compensate all this sufferin' a sod 'as ta git 'imself through first. 
Just few hours later we were summoned on th' deck 'gain by an 'xcited lookout.
"I sees a fleet!" cried 'e madly from th' crow's nest. "I think they're battleships!"
Mandy peered through th' spyglass an' confirmed th' words o' th' lookout.
"It's true. Four frigates. They're flyin' English colours." 

"Aarrrrggghhhhh!!" said I. "Let's kick 'eir swollen butts!" added I eagerly.
"Wait a sec, ye 'otshot! Don't ye fergit that I am English. I don't like sinkin' m' own countrymen!" Mandy said in protest.
"Well, we may let 'em sink us instead, th' choice is simple."
"Yer pushin' it Crash! We'll fight, that's true, but ye'll git a good spankin' when it all ends!" threatened Mandy.
"Yessssssss!" was m' reply. 
That's jus' us, mateys! We t'gether 'gainst th' whole bleedin' English fleet! says Crash an' loads 'is nicely carved pipe. Say, is 'ere any'un who e'er entered a battle 'gainst such odds wit'out e'en two thoughts 'bout runnin' fer it??? Hah! Jus' as I thought. Th' pyrates nowadays be nothin' like we ol' tymers... says Crash an' spits on th' floor 
We set a course on th' incomin' warships when a tall figure appeared right on th' deck. I looked at 'im tryin' ta recognise who th' 'ell was he.
"Who th' 'ell are ye?" I asked at last.
"Call me Madman, Crash!" 'e said an' rolled 'is eyes laughin' loudly.
I r'membered th' git then. We took 'im in durin' our stay on th' Cayman Islands. 'Is real name was 'un of th' silliest names I e'er heard, 'twas somethin' like Enrico Palazzo or sumthin' like dat. 'Twas why 'e insisted ta be called Madman. I hafta say, 'tis nick stick closely to th' bastid as 'e wus 'bout th' most insane scurvy bugger I e'er came 'cross. Laughin' all th' tyme an' rollin' is eyes wit' such a murderous look on 'is face that e'en our battle-'ardened boys 'ad hard tyme not ta lose their nerves. There was a strange thin' 'bout Madman, that whute'er port 'e stayed in, a vilest, wickedest murders tended to 'appen. Fer 'xample on Cayman Islands, jus' b'fer our arrival th' local citizens were shocked ta discover th' mayor's daughter quartered an' b'headed. 'Er blood wus gathered in a small wooden bathtub in which presumably th' killer bathed 'imself. I 'ad suspicions that 'twas Madman who did this. 'Twas a pleasure to 'ave such an evil marine on board!
"I knows these gits!" said 'e laughin' insanely.
"How d'ya know 'em?" asked I in surprise.
"They're chasin' me since months!" said Madman an' bursted into laughter. 'E rolled 'is mad eyes then an' turned a lil' bit. "No, I'm tellin' ya! Those are the same" he paused fer a moment as if'n 'e was talkin' to some invisible git. "Oh, sure, we'll slit their throats an' r'move their skin. No! Not Crash's, I's talkin' 'bout these Brits!"
"Sorry ta interrupt ye" I started feelin' a bit puzzled "but I wants ta know who are those Englishmen!"
"They be all tryin' ta 'ang poor Madman, but me knows not why!" said Madman an' tears ran down 'is cheeks. "But we're gonna cut 'em, right?" Madman laughed 'gain an' evil light appeared in 'is eyes.
"I asked ye sumthin'!!!" shouted I an' put me hand on m' sabre's 'andle. This Madman wus really insane. I 'ad ta watch 'im!
"Ya wants th' names, don't ye?" asked Madman makin' a sly face. "They be lead by a lily-livered personality changin' psycho called Admiral Ledbard!" said Madman an' laughed quietly.
Ledbard? 'E prob'ly meant Ledward. I knew this git. I 'ad a run down wit' this scum in th' past an' I knew 'im very well since. 'Twas th' tyme when me, Mandy, Moose an' Pellew sunk th' whole mighty armada comprised of Ledward's fleet an' Spanish Costa Garda. Some 12 frigs if'n I recalls correctly an' add to this a unbeatable fortress that is Santo Domingo. We took some 'eavy losses back then. Pellew lost few o' 'is ships, me an' Mandy lost two fire ships an' worstest o' all, m' b'loved 'Factol Skall' frig wus holed an' sunk in this fearsome battle. I's been th' first mate on Mandy's 'Virgin Rose' since then. But we sunk 'em all, burned th' whole fort, sacked this large city an' released Mooses' son from captivity. This all more than made fer th' lossed we suffered.
"Who else is there?" asked I.
"A tea-lovin' Englishman called Pansy by 'is charges an' a real 'ardheaded moron called Cap'n Cundiff. Th' fourth one I don't know."
Pansy I ne'er met b'fer, but Cundiff I knew very well, an b'lieve me I wunted ta stab this friggin' pyrate-hunter in th' belly more than I wanted a chest full o' gold! I greeted m' teeth an' scowled full o' loath an' hatred.
"We's gonna rip their heads off!" cried I in rage.
A loud enthusiastic cry from th' gathered crew filled th' air. 
'Tis enuff fer 'un day I says! Come back fer more th' next tyme. Jus' be sure ta keep yer squint eyes on this 'ere tavern!

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